You pick up the phone to call your daughter. She’s 35, with a family of her own, and this is a call you’ve been dreading for weeks. 

As you wait for her to answer, a slideshow of memories flashes through your mind: her first steps in the living room, family vacations to the beach, the day you and your spouse walked her down the aisle. Your family has been your life’s greatest creation, a story written over decades. And now, you have to tell her that you’re tearing out the first chapter.

When you finally say the words, “We are getting a divorce,” the silence on the other end of the line is heavier than any words could be. In that moment, your greatest fear is realized: this isn’t just about you and your spouse anymore. This is about your children, your grandchildren, and the future of the family story. The central conflict is no longer just about who gets what; it’s about “The Family We Built vs. The Conflict That Could Tear It All Apart.”

If this fear resonates with you, it’s because you know that a divorce after 50 is about so much more than the law. It’s about legacy. You believe there must be a way to end your marriage without ending your family—a way to restructure your lives with dignity, respect, and a focus on preserving the love that will always connect you.

You are right. A scorched-earth, family-destroying divorce is a choice, not a foregone conclusion. This guide is your roadmap to choosing a better way. It is a comprehensive plan for navigating the emotional and procedural journey of your divorce while protecting your most valuable asset: your family.

Chapter 1: The Two Roads - The Choice That Defines Your Family’s Future

At the beginning of this journey, you stand at a crossroads. The path you choose will determine the emotional health of your family for generations to come.

The Low Road: The Agony of Litigation

This is the path most people picture when they hear the word “divorce.” It is the path of the court system, and it is adversarial by its very nature. It is a process that often encourages conflict rather than resolving it. And, it often results in your assets getting cut in half, rather than strategically divided to make the best possible future for you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse.

Imagine this: every communication is filtered through lawyers. You are subjected to a process called “discovery,” where you must answer invasive questions about your life under oath in a deposition. Your private financial and personal matters become part of a public court record. You spend tens, or maybe even hundreds, of thousands of dollars for your attorneys to fight over issues in front of a judge who has 20 other cases that day and may not understand the nuances of your family. You spend months, or even years, in a state of suspended animation, your life held hostage by a court calendar.

The result? Even if you “win” on a few points, your family loses. Your children are stressed, pulled between the two people they love most. The trust and respect you once had for your spouse are replaced by bitterness and resentment. A substantial amount of the money you had hoped to retire with was used to pay for lawyers and experts. The path of litigation doesn’t just end a marriage; it often incinerates the bridges that could have connected your family in the future.

The High Road: The Power of Amicable Resolution

There is a better way. The high road is paved with processes designed to empower you, protect your privacy, and preserve your dignity. It is a path of low-conflict resolution, built on the belief that you and your spouse, with the right support, are the best people to make decisions about your own lives.

Imagine this instead: You meet in a private conference room, not a public courtroom. You have a team of professionals dedicated to helping you find creative, mutually agreeable solutions. Communication is open and respectful. The focus is not on fighting over the past, but on building a stable future for two separate households. You reach a settlement that is tailored to your family’s specific needs, not a one-size-fits-all solution imposed by a judge. And, this is accomplished in a few months of settlement conferences, not a year of courtroom arguing.

The result? You save an immense amount of time, money, and emotional energy. But more importantly, you preserve your ability to co-parent your adult children and co-grandparent your grandchildren. You can attend a future wedding or graduation and stand together for a family photo, not as husband and wife, but as proud, respectful parents who chose peace over war. This is the future that a dignified process makes possible.

Chapter 2: Your Toolkit for a Peaceful Process - A Deep Dive into Your Options

Choosing the high road means intentionally selecting a legal process designed for resolution, not conflict. Here is a detailed look at your most powerful options.

Deep Dive: Mediation - The Guided Conversation

Mediation is a flexible, confidential process where you and your spouse hire lawyers to protect your individual interests, but also a neutral third-party mediator to help you negotiate a settlement.

• What it is and isn't: A mediator is not a judge. They have no power to impose a decision. They are a facilitator, skilled in de-escalating conflict, improving communication, and guiding you toward your own agreements. Mediation is not therapy; it is a practical, forward-looking problem-solving process.

• The Stages of Mediation:

1. Introduction & Agreement to Mediate: You’ll meet the mediator, learn the ground rules of confidentiality and good-faith negotiation, and sign an agreement to begin the process.

2. Information Gathering: You will both voluntarily exchange all the financial information needed. Transparency is the bedrock of a successful mediation.

3. Framing the Issues: The mediator will help you create an agenda of all the topics you need to resolve: division of property, debt, spousal support, etc.

4. Negotiation & Problem-Solving: This is the heart of the process. The mediator will help you brainstorm options, understand each other’s perspectives, and move from rigid positions to shared interests.

5. Drafting the Agreement: Once you’ve reached an agreement on all issues, the mediator will typically draft a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) that summarizes the terms.

• The Crucial Role of Your Attorney: Choosing mediation does not mean you don’t need a lawyer. Your attorney acts as your "review counsel." They will advise you, review the MOU to ensure your rights are protected, and then draft the legally binding settlement agreement to be filed with the court. This gives you the best of both worlds: the efficiency of mediation and the protection of independent legal advice.

Chapter 3: Protecting Your Most Precious Assets - Your Adult Children

Your children are not immune to the pain of your divorce simply because they are adults. They are experiencing a profound loss—the loss of their family’s foundational story. Your actions during this time will shape your relationship with them for the rest of your lives.

The Definitive “Do’s and Don’ts” for Divorcing Parents of Adult Children:

• DO Present a United Front: Tell your children together. This is the most powerful message you can send that you are still a team as parents. It immediately reduces their anxiety and prevents them from feeling like they need to pick a side.

• DON’T Blame or Overshare: This is the cardinal sin. Never, ever tell your children your “side of the story” or criticize their other parent. This puts an unbearable burden on them. A simple, respectful message is all they need: “This was a difficult decision we made together. We are both sad, but we are confident this is the right path forward. We love you, and that will never change.”

• DO Set and Enforce Boundaries: Explicitly tell your children, “We will never put you in the middle. We will never ask you to carry messages, keep secrets, or listen to us complain about each other. Your job is simply to be our child.”

• DON’T Use Them as Your Confidant: You are grieving, and you need support. But your children cannot be your therapists. They are grieving, too. Lean on your own friends, family, and a professional therapist.

• DO Respect Their Process: They may be angry, sad, or withdrawn. Allow them their feelings without trying to fix them. Just listen and validate their experience.

• DON’T Introduce New Partners Prematurely: Give your children ample time to adjust to the divorce before introducing a new romantic partner into their lives. When the time is right, have a conversation with them about it first.

A Game Plan for Special Occasions:

The biggest source of anxiety for adult children is how the family will handle holidays, weddings, and graduations. Proactively create a plan with your ex-spouse. Agree to attend major events, to be cordial and respectful, and to always put your children’s comfort first. Deciding ahead of time that you can stand together for a family photo is a priceless gift to your kids.

Chapter 4: The Beginning of Your Second Act - Prioritizing Your Own Well-being

You cannot guide your family through this transition if you are neglecting yourself. This is a time of profound stress, but also an incredible opportunity for personal growth.

• Embrace the Grief, But Don’t Live in It: Allow yourself to feel the sadness and loss. Divorce can be the death of a dream. But it is also the birth of a new one. Work with a therapist to process your grief so you can move through it, not get stuck in it.

• Rediscover Yourself: For decades, your identity has been “husband” or “wife.” Now is the time to rediscover who you are. Reconnect with old friends. Pick up a hobby you set aside to raise a family. Travel. This is not an ending; it is a powerful opportunity to design a life that is authentically and joyfully your own.

• Find Your Support System: You need a team. This includes a therapist, supportive friends who will listen without judging, and perhaps a support group of other people navigating a similar life transition. You are not alone.

Conclusion: Your Family is Changing, Not Ending

The choice you make today—the choice between a process of conflict and a process of dignity—will echo for generations. It will determine the story your children tell their children about how their grandparents handled a difficult time. By choosing a path of respect, communication, and peace, you are giving your family an incredible gift. You are proving that love can change form without turning into hate, and that the end of a marriage does not have to be the end of a family.

You have the power to write a new chapter for your family—a story of resilience, grace, and a new kind of love.

If you are ready to choose a better path forward for you and your family, take the first step. Schedule a confidential consultation with The Fogelman Law Firm, and let us show you how to navigate your divorce with the dignity you all deserve.